Author: carleytravels

Posted on by carleytravels
when i was 10 years old you hurt me
you made me hate myself, you made me want to die
you hurt me every night everyday for a year.
you told me you would kill me if i told 
why would a 10 year old believe that…
flash to 9 years later, its Chavez weekend in my college town
and the whole town is intoxicated.
i went out in the day because i thought no one could hurt me in the daylight.
i was wrong.
i was hot, i had a head ache, and i just wanted to go home.
i asked a guy – who i assumed was inn the frat- for the bathroom.
he showed me the way 
(yep you guessed it) he followed me in.
you hurt me.
again, i was a little helpless body that couldn’t move, couldn’t get any words out.
maybe i didn’t say no over and over again but i clearly wasn’t into it.
just because i didn’t say no doesn’t mean yes. or does it in your mind 
i froze
and i will probably also blame myself for that
10 and 19 years old 
you maybe not be in the same person, but in my mind
you are both the devil
now every time i’m with a man all i see is the devil 
all because you hurt me.
Posted on by carleytravels
No one should have to be afraid. 
But what happened when I’m afraid 
I’m afraid of sleep because I know you will meet me in my dreams.
I am afraid of being alone because you made me a double statistic. 
What happens when the numbers are one in four women before graduating college.
What happens when this pain becomes too much for me.
What happens when I find you. 
You told me I look familiar but you just can’t remember, you may have been a “little drunk”
I don’t think The word drunk describes your actions. 
What other drugs did you take that day? 
What happens when I learn things about you
Your name. 

I know your job is important. 

I know you are a Pisces.

I know you graduated last spring.

You were a student at the time but you got to graduate a month later

Little do you know I worry about graduation and if I’ll ever make it. 

Little do you know while you were celebrating the graduation I was in the hospital on suicide watch. 

Because of you I struggle every fucking day. 

But best of all

because of you I found a support system.

People who really care about me.

Because of you I am a bad ass women. 

Because of you I will fight harder then ever to succeed in life.

Posted on by carleytravels
I can’t take this. 

Here I am suffering because my Brian is genetically imbalanced. 

What do I do when I feel out of control 

This is scary. 

Just a few days ago I was high as a kite

Now look at me alone 

Thinking my friends hate me

Why do I feel this way 

I appreciate what they do for me so much 

But then when they are all gone is when that fear settles in 

Do they really like me? 

Are they over this rollercoaster? 

Do they want to get off the ride? 

I hope not 

I feel like I’m bolted in my seat. 

Not ready for another set of loops and turns. 

This anxiety is what gets to me most? 

Am I really loved? 

I really hope so 

I can feel it most of the time 

But when I’m alone I think the worst thoughts 

Here’s the thing. 

I have this fear of being alone. 

It stems from they days of suicide attempts and self harm. 

Because That’s what I did when I was alone. 

Now what? 

These are questions that I need answered 

Now what? 

What do I do when I feel like anyone could walk in that door and hurt me

But only when I’m alone

Or the stranger walking on campus near me who could grab me at any moment. But only when I’m alone. 

What do I do when the anxiety of not being wanted settles in? 

I don’t want to be needy but I guess I am. I’m scared that no one wants me and I’ve struggled all this time for no reason. 

I hope this is worth it. 

That’s the only option

It has to be worth it…